Sunday, May 15, 2011

Skinny Bitch..

I’m skinny. Correction: I’m thin. So, most people make a screwy face at me when I tell them I need to lose weight. I’m careful not to say it around other women most of the time because they make a face like they want to kill me. I’m 5’3” and weigh anywhere between 128 lbs. and 134 lbs. depending upon the day, time of day, my mood, water retention (closely linked to my mood), weather patterns, the position of the moon..
So, why does a woman, nearly 41 years old, who has given birth, is freakishly strong and relatively fit and who maintains a weight only 10 to 15 lbs. heavier than her high school weight believe she needs to lose those extra pounds? Because 8 to 10 of them are made up of bullshit. That’s why.
I am a mesomorph, which means I’m blessed with a body that maintains lean muscle mass and definition without doing much (if anything) at all to maintain it. It was my gift from God. Well, one of  them. Frankly, I feel rather blessed on many counts. Consequently, growing up with a perfect little size 5 body (trust me, that was small before there was such a thing as -1) that was, if not ripped, certainly toned about as tightly as it could be, I never developed any work ethic around maintaining it. It was free so I didn’t work to keep it. See.. you don’t value things you don’t earn. You just expect them to always be there.
Now, approaching my 41st birthday in July, I’m in what I would consider to be an intense process of (deep) internal transformation. Within that I’m attempting to exorcise once and for all the last vestiges of victim that are clinging to my insides for dear life. Being a victim is boring. It keeps you stuck. It lets you off the hook over and over again but it doesn’t get you anywhere other than continuously spinning on a hamster-wheel that should have hit the dumpster a decade (or more) ago.
I am an entrepreneur by nature and have recently been blessed (again!) with the opportunity to become a part of a phenomenal organization that I am incredibly proud to be affiliated with and which grants me every possibility for bringing my every dream to life—even the ones that at one time seemed unattainable. There is nothing that is unattainable. Nothing. That said, there is effort that must go into reaching those soaring heights. Nothing comes for free. As I stated above: one doesn’t value things that one doesn’t earn. So I am working for and earning my dreams as they come. And it feels good. Better than good, it feels incredible. It feels like every day is filled with magic. That’s a feeling that I believe everyone ought to be experiencing in their life at all times. I certainly have no plans to the contrary.
And… right now.. I’m a bit stuck. At a plateau. Having a battle with my former self who is hell-bent on convincing me that I can’t do it, don’t deserve it and so on and so on--that nagging, whiny little brat--because if I achieve it, she dies. The survival instinct is the most powerful. She's fighting HARD to stay alive. She needs to know.. I’m going to win this one.
Part of my work-plan, part of what is essential to me for getting there.. potentially, in fact, the most important part of me getting there is my own self-care, my commitment to SELF above all else. Now that may seem contradictory for someone that intends to live a life largely in service to others. But, you see, I cannot be available to them if I am not first available to myself. Being my very best me requires strength and endurance and an unyielding will to keep going even on the days when my belief waivers. Not only that, I’m striving to educate others about health and wellness and coach them through their own bog and smog to a life of abundance. I must be the poster child for that life. Key components to the plan are nutrition, which I have covered—I am wholly committed to my lifestyle of wellness through nutrition—and fitness, and that’s where I keep slacking off.
I am aware (because I have been coached into this awareness) that my physiology will shape my psychology. If I am trapped in my body-armour of defense, self-pity and inertia, I am just that—trapped. I cannot mobilize my dreams into action from such a place. And alllllllll that’s required is action. And it’s not even difficult action much of the time. It’s simple action. I know EXCACLTY what I need to do. And if I WERE doing the very things that I need to do to get un-stuck and kick this little internal victim brat to the curb once and for all, I can just about guarantee you, those muffin-top causing, make-my-jeans-too-tight frustrating final 8 to 10 pounds of Samsonite luggage that I’ve been carrying around, despite the overweight surcharge that I’m paying every day I don’t do something about it, would melt away as though they were never there.
It’s not about vanity (okay, there is a tiny piece of it that’s about vanity), it’s about being true to me first.
I can’t be a leader if I’m not even willing to follow myself.
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Lightning Dove Over and Out
xo.